Thoughts and feelings
by TheDecayAlchemist
Summary: You're going to have to read to find out. Because I suck at summeries or I'm just being mean. You can be the judge of that. I may change it later depending. Hope you like it!


**_I do not own Koisuru Boukun._**

**_If I did it'd be getting more interesting from this point._**

**_Tetsuhiro' thoughts at the park after volume 7 chapter 5:_**

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_Senpai's heart is hard. But… while his heart was worried and lost_

I got a little closer… While thinking that I was happy… But… I guess I was wrong. It was just me thinking what was convenient. In the end those are Senpai's real feelings… I guess. It was all… an illusion… I guess….

An illusion from my own mind… Just like before… I was so happy… I was delusional to what was really happening. After Masaki and I broke up I was devastated… Although not as much as he was with my brother. I didn't care what others said about me then. I didn't care about who I was with.

Senpai… He just showed up in my life. For the first time, in a long time, I felt like I was truly living when I met him. I wonder… if I wasn't gay…would I have had a chance at happiness? If I was straight, I would be accepted in my hometown, my family and a lot of my old friends…. If I was straight I wouldn't have met Senpai.

Senpai…

Why didn't you let me leave? Why do you want me here… to torture me? Is it fun to watch me in pain? Why did you agree to live with me? The night of the fire… why did you kiss me? Why did you wipe my tears away? How is this fair? You won't let me leave yet you don't want anything to do with me. What did I do to deserve this? Why can't I shift my feelings? Why can't I be accepted? What can I do to gain approval from someone… anyone?

Anyone… I care about?

Why? Why can't I ever find someone that loves me back?

Masaki…

Niisan…

My parents…

My hometown…

Senpai…

"WHY?" Tetsuhiro yelled as he gripped his hair in his hands. Tears formed and dropped to the ground he was starring at, streaming down his face as he continued. His body gradually started to shake, "Why… can't I be loved? What's wrong with me? What can I do? WHAT MORE CAN I DO?"

Senpai… tell me… please…. I have tried to make you happy. I have tried to make it easier for you. I have done almost everything I am able to make him feel more at ease

"What… has to happen before…I can be… accepted?"

… Will I ever be accepted? Will I be by myself forever? Am I asking too much? Can I ever be happy?

Did… I bring this on myself?

Would things be different if I wasn't around? If… I wasn't born? Masaki would've been fine with the relationship he had with my brother. My parents wouldn't have to put up with a homo in the family that had caused them problems. Senpai would've never met me… he would probably have lived a normal life. No worries, no issues, just his research and his family.

Tetsuhiro sat back on the bench and looked up towards the night sky. The stars are out. They seem so far away. Tetsuhiro raised his left arm as if to grab hold of the sky. Is this how my life will turn out? Always reaching, always hoping to achieve… Achieve… what? Happiness? Love? Acceptance? Wasn't I alright when I didn't care? I always told my potential 'partner' that I was looking for sex, nothing more. They had all accepted that, no complaints, no issues, no disappointment.

Is that the only way I can be with someone? Is that the only choice I have?

He closed his hand as he put it down on his forehead.

Will I be alright with that?

"…"

Tetsuhiro continued to stare at the sky, trapped in his own world until he felt a sharp pain in his throat. Bringing his had down; he felt the knife that had torn through his windpipe. Seeing shadows, feeling them take his wallet and hearing them run into the dark night. That was the last thing he knew of the world before he slipped into the darkness surrounding him.

Starting to choke on his own blood, he couldn't help but smile.

Even if my luck turned out bad all the way to the end, I'm glad… to have met you… Tatsumi… Souichi….

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**I was just going to have this as him thinking in the park but I added the end for a twist.**

**This is my second story for KSBK but I'm not done with the first just yet. Please tell me what you thought of this one and thanks for reading!**

**~ TDA**


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